Twilight: Breaking Down

Most real Vampyres I know actually hate Twilight.  Some actually like it. Well, there’s no accounting for taste – which is probably why I went to watch the latest episode last Tuesday – Twilight – Breaking Dawn part 1. A veteran of the other three movies, each slightly more mundane than the last – even I was surprised at my disappointment.

I really expected better. Honestly. I actually enjoyed the first movie, all that sparkly-twinkly BS aside, and as a romance it was rather entertaining. The second one was not as good, but that is pretty much expected in the case of sagas and sequels, isn’t it? But it went off rather well. Then the third one came along, which had some hiccups and flaws to my liking that left me feeling somehow dissatisfied with the whole thing. This latest offering was the worst yet.

I suffered through the first half-hour of wedding preparations, make-up, dressing, pre-wedding jitters, blood-soaked fantasies of dead relatives (just about the only interesting part of the whole episode) and Bella Swan walking down the aisle… *gag*.

And every time Edward or Jacob made a now predictable appearance while shirtless, the “Twi-hards” swooned, coo-ed, shrieked, and annoyed the living shit outta me. I have to mention that they were not all teens – which is probably more disturbing than when I noticed that though the theater was almost full-up, there was only one guy, who had presumably been dragged along by his girlfriend.

The theater manager did something unexpected – something no manager has done in the last 30-odd years of my movie-watching career – he delivered a serious speech to the audience about the use of mobile phones, cameras, Twitter and Facebook and threatened to confiscate any in plain sight during the movie. Then, as the audience laughed him off, he wandered round, confiscating snacks and drinks not purchased at the expensive snack bar on the premises. Dildo.

Then there was the *gag* honeymoon and all the brooding puritanical emo vampire BS I have come to expect from Twilight. Everything is a subtle message, at least according to the religious fundamentalists who frown on their kids reading material. To them there is nothing but evil and negativity in the “message” of Twilight. To me, if there is a message, it’s totally lost. This is way, way too boring to be dangerous to anyone. Rest assured, Taryn Hodgson – Twilight is way too boring to have any hidden messages in it.

If the books are any better than the movies (and they usually are) and people still rave about the Breaking Dawn movie in a month’s time, and were I a parent, I would be deeply worried about the IQ of our young generation. Deeply.

About the only funny bit of the whole movie was the bit where Edward virtually destroys the bedroom in throes of passion, because we know, like – vampires are really strong and stuff, and he has to – um, control himself or he will hurt his fragile human bride. Sure, we’ve all been there, what’s funny about that? LOL.

At the end of the movie, I found myself asking: WWDD… “What Would Damon Do”? No, really – would Damon Salvatore act like that? Or Eric Northman? No, Damon would rush in, have a good time, and sit there afterward, smiling in a hot tub, washing off the evidence. Eric – well, there’s really no telling WHAT Eric would do – but yes, that’s all part of what makes him such an all-round fun guy.

I like my vampires self-centred, arrogant, selfish and a little dangerous. I wouldn’t have them any other way. Even the most (supposedly) threatening moment of the piece (the Volturi receiving notice of the birth of the child) is placed after the end of the movie, in amongst the credits – and even then, it was a yawnable offense. Most of the Twi-hards had already left the cinema by the time it came up anyway.

About three quarters of the movie was about Bella being sucked dry by the vampire baby inside her, watching her slowly waste away, turn gray and skeletal. Not really an improvement. In fact, it was downright depressing – which meant that three quarters of the entire movie was just that – depressing.

At the end of the day, the only really entertaining bit was where she resorted to drinking human blood to sustain her body as her foetus was draining her own. It worked – surprise.

It was amusing to watch this non-vampire in the story – a human – slurping O-negative from a cup through a straw. Yum. And just about as surreal as hearing the Twi-hards gag, gasp and moan as she did it. Yes, girls – welcome to our world. Not all romance and glamor to be a vamp, is it? Reality bites, don’t it?

The script was contrived, the acting was plastic, the characters two dimensional, the pace dull, and the dialog was plain boring. The only good thing in this movie is the visuals, which I have to say were nice to look at and rather nicely done – and the credits. Twilight is also probably the only movie series I know of where the second male lead is actually much better looking than the actual male lead. The fact that the former is a vampire and the latter a werewolf should demonstrate exactly how much this frustrates me. I am a real Vampyre after all, and believe me – the idea that I could find a werewolf more attractive than a vamp is markedly disturbing.

In the past I have heard Twilight being billed as the vampire “equivalent” of Harry Potter. As you all know by now, I am allergic to bullshit – so let me debunk that right away by confirming that this is utterly and completely false. Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt1 has nothing on Harry Potter. N-o-t-h-i-n-g. HP has a story that a) makes sense, even to adults, mundanes and muggles b) has Lord Valdemort, magic, charm and d) style. Beat that.

Pound for pound, this movie was clearly built for teeny-bopper “Twi-hard” fans. There was no action. None. Not even one creature died in the movie. I swear I thought someone was going to make those vamps and wolves kiss and make up or shake – um, paws after that brief little “fight”. Disney would be proud. It was like watching “Sex in the City”. Ok, maybe not even that good.

Ok, maybe I should try to be a bit more forgiving. At least it was better than that other vampire-schlock offering from last year, called “Eternity” – but not by much. All I really have to say about this dreadful movie is that at least it only cost me 29.99 to see it. Next year I will forego the 29.99 in favor of a 10.00 DVD rental. Or maybe not.

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About Octarine Valur

Octarine Valur - Founder: House Valur, South African Vampyre Community, South African Vampi(y)re Alliance (SAVA), SA Vampyre news (SAVN). View all posts by Octarine Valur

One response to “Twilight: Breaking Down

  • sinastaone

    Hey loved your review but honestly that movie sux balls and if I ever see another pansy vampire movie please someone put me out of my misery.
    Has to be the most over -rated franchise in history.

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